On the road again...

Tomorrow morning, I’ll head out on what may be my last roadtrip of the year. With one of my infamous playlists blaring through the speakers of my trusty steed, Truckzilla, I’ll use the time trotting through the desert to clear my head and plan for the new year…that is just over a month away! Really? HOLY CRAP! Where has the time gone ?!?!

I know I repeat it ad nauseum, but I really have come a long way this year. Every day I am amazed at how strong I have become. Those of you who know me personally understand that I am the last one to toot my own hor. But maybe it’s not a bad thing to do every once in a while; there is nothing wrong with showing some pride in yourself. I’m pretty fricken rad! Yup, I said it :) I don’t accept compliments very well…need to work on that!

Aside from self reflection, this weekend is the start of several new adventures. I’ll be bouncing all over the L.A. area meeting up with a new , connecting with co-workers I don’t see often enough, and supporting a VERY talented friend as he embarks on a new chapter of his life. If the rain holds off, I’ll be able to cross a thing or two off my bucket list. No matter what, I’m going to enjoy the shit out of this weekend!

Current Tunes:       "When My Time Comes" by Dawes

Current Click:          Brothers & Sisters (season 4)…thank you NetFlix

Current Read:         Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman

This is not getting any easier!

I was brought to my attention not too long ago that I wrote a blog a little while back where I stated that I was not going to join an online dating site. I had a little sit-down with myself and decided that there is no harm in seeing what it's all about. While I am not entirely impressed overall with the process or guys that it thinks I might be interested in, it's definitely a...different...experience. While it can be a little frustrating at times, I have been connected with a couple nice guys that seem like we could build great long-lasting friendships if nothing else. In all fairness, I'm going to give it until the end of the 6 month term before I make a final judgement or choose to renew.


My current dilemma is this: when I originally signed up, I asked to be matched with guys in Nevada and California. I was trying to branch out and broaden my horizons, unfortunately this poses a question to be considered: what if I meet Mr. Right and he doesn't live in Vegas? I'm going to try to not think about it too much and cross that bridge when, or if, it actually happens. Until that time, I'll just keep swimming...

Current Tunes:       "Fall Into Me" by Sugarland

Current Click:          Casablanca

Current Read:         The Black Echo by Michael Connelly

What is love?

A few months back, I read what has become one of my favorite books: Love is a Mix Tape by Rob Sheffield. I laughed. I cried (a lot). I related. Rob & I share a lot of the same feeling about love and what a relationship is/should be. While I have not ever had to experience the horrible blow of the death of a spouse, I have lost people that were, and still are, very close to me. I do not handle death well AT ALL, which is probably why I was a blubbery mess! (But that’s a topic for another blog…)

Like Rob, I have always had an obsession of sorts with music. I played the violin for 10 years in school, and I’ve been known to dink around with a guitar & piano here and there. I can carry a tune but only choose to only in the privacy of my shower and my truck, unless I’ve had a couple drinks then watch out. And I love to dance! But I digress…

I have appreciation for all types of music. It is very easy for me to relate an event in my past with the song that was playing or the music that I listened to at that time, a kind of sense memory if you will. I, like most of the other children of the late 70s/early 80s I’m sure, LOVED to make mix tapes! I made them up into college, and I’m pretty sure I still have some of them. The last one I made, I made with one of my roommates in the dorm our freshman year. We had both been treated pretty crappy by the guys we were dating at the time so we put together all kinds of mean songs, labeled the tape “Asshole” and found a way to secretly give it to them. I think we only did it to one guy a piece because about a week later we realized that our attempts to “show them” backfired! As girls, we put in a lot of time & effort reading into the lyrics of the songs to find the ones that said what we wanted to but didn’t have the guts to say to their faces (c’mon ladies, we read into EVERYTHING…admit it). In actuality, we ended up making a pretty amazing compilation. The “track list” read like this:

                “Asshole” – Denis Leary

                “Break Your Heart” – Barenaked Ladies

                “Just a Toy” – Barenaked Ladies

                “Right Through You” – Alanis Morissette

                “Hidden Track” (from Jagged Little Pill) – Alanis Morissette

                “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me” – Violent Femmes

                “I’m Free” – Violent Femmes

                “Lies” – Violent Femmes

                “Dance, MF Dance” – Violent Femmes

                “Kiss Off” – Violent Femmes

                “Stand” – Blues Traveler

                “Look Around” – Blues Traveler

                “Spinning Around Over You” – Lenny Kravitz

                “Piggy” – Nine Inch Nails

                “Eraser” – Nine Inch Nails

So, I ask you to think back to all those mix tapes you made (or received) when you were younger… I’ll wait, just try not to hurt yourself J Aside from the “party mixes”, aren’t most of them about love? Cassettes have sort of phased out, but I would equate a playlist on your iPod or mp3 player to the modern day mix tape. Wouldn’t you? And it’s soooo much easier, right? No sitting in front of the HUGE stereo with all of your tapes & LPs, stopping, starting, timing the breaks just perfectly so you don’t run out of tape halfway through a song… Right now I have 7 playlists in my iTunes: 4 are playlists I’ve built for various road-trips (again, another blog), 1 is nothing but acoustic versions of some of my favorite music, and the other 2 are about love.

Love is a Mix Tape ends with what I consider one of the most brilliantly written truths. You may not agree with me and that’s totally fine. As a romantic that delves into music any chance I get, it speaks volumes to me. I actually keep it in the “notes” section on my phone so that I can refer to it whenever I need a boost. Don’t believe me? Ask me to see it next time you see me. Here it is:

                “What is love? Great minds have been grappling with this question through the ages, and in the modern era, they have come up with many different answers. According to the Western philosopher Pat Benetar, love is a battlefield. Her paisan Frank Sinatra would add the corollary that love is a tender trap. The stoner kids who spent the summer of 1978 looking cool on the hoods of their TransAms in the Pierce Elementary School parking lot used to scare us little kids by blasting the Sweet hit “Love is Like Oxygen” – you get too much, you get too high, not enough, and you’re gonna die. Love hurts. Love stinks. Love bites, love bleeds, love is the drug. The troubadours of our times all agree: They want to know what love is, and they want you to show them.

                

                  But the answer is simple. Love is a mix tape.”

Life Imitates Art Imitates Life

At the end of a long, stressful day at the office, sometimes the only cure is to come home from work, feed my fuzzy children and plop down on the couch with my NetFlix.  I searched my instant queue for something a little different and came across a flick called CrazyLove.  The brief synopsis was intriguing, but I ended up getting much more than I bargained for.

Letty is very much a super woman.  She is the one that everyone turns to for help, and she allows herself to take on her life and everyone else’s.  During a dinner party, her OCD kicks in when she realizes that she didn’t buy the correct olives for the martinis and makes a mad dash to the store where she proceeds to have a massive breakdown, complete with throwing jars of olives at anyone who tries to calm her down.  Her family checks her into a psychiatric hospital where the current “vacationers” take bets on her diagnosis (manic depression with OCD tendencies).  Throughout the course of the movie she learns how to accept and deal with her situation and falls in love with a fellow patient.  I’ll stop there…don’t want to spoil it for those of you who are chomping at the bit.  Watch it…I promise you’ll enjoy it!  If you don’t, I’ll bake you cookies or something.

Now for the harsh reality… this movie hit VERY close to home with me.  For those of you that aren’t aware, I too suffered an intense breakdown almost two years ago.  I didn’t pitch groceries, but it was the smallest little thing that made me snap.  I couldn’t decide if I wanted to do the dishes or work out… so I just sat on the couch and cried hysterically.  I know it sounds really silly, but I just couldn’t bring myself to make another decision.  I was in an unhealthy marriage, deep in debt, losing my house, and dealing with some other medical “scares”.  I couldn’t concentrate at work because my brain was moving a mile a minute.  I felt like such a failure.  It was then and there that I realized I needed help.  The next day I called around looking to find a psychologist.  I needed someone to talk to that was neutral and could help me figure out WTF was going on.

Let me pause here and say that there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with seeking medical help.  I’m not really a big one with doctors or medications, but, I’m telling you, it’s a MUCH better alternative than making yourself worse by not seeking assistance!  I’m not ashamed to admit that I went in to her office and cried for the first couple of sessions.  I took the fancy-shmancy test, and she told me I had mild depression, not so mild anxiety and OCD tendencies.  I worried too much about pleasing other people and putting their needs ahead of mine.  I’ve always been that way, never put myself first.  I went in once a week for seven months and OMG did I learn a lot!  I think one of the most insightful things I learned…. I AM NOT ALONE!

I don’t think that I will ever be fully “cured”.  I still have some blah days and sometimes I over-organize or try to control things a little more than I should, but I have the knowledge to accept that it is a part of who I am.  I can recognize the signals and take appropriate steps to avoid a reaction that isn’t healthy.  I have realized how strong of a woman I truly am, and it’s an amazing feeling!  It hasn’t been easy, that’s for sure!  I do not regret for one second that I admitted that I couldn’t do everything on my own.  Nobody can get through life without a solid support system, and my family and friends rock my stripey socks!  I cannot thank them enough for the late night phone calls and texting sessions to help me get through my tough times.  Mad love to each and every one of you!  You will always hold a very special place in my life, and I will be there for you as you are for me.  MUAH!!!

Current Read:  The Vampire of Venice Beach by Jennifer Colt

Current Tunes:  Come of Get Higher by Matt Nathanson

Check Yes or No

Recently, I have been confronted with a question that has me completely baffled:  How can I have the desire to be in a relationship yet want to be alone at the same time?  Gone are the co-dependent tendencies of my past.  I have battled the green-eyed monster and rose victorious.  Yet I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little gun-shy about getting back in the saddle.

And BTW, anyone who says that dating is “easy” and/or “fun” and/or “exciting”….OBVIOUSLY does not live in Vegas!  At least it isn’t any of the above for me (well, not at the moment at least).  Before you start spouting advice (that I’ve heard more times than I can count), I’m going to fill you in on the following:

1) I am not in a hurry;

2) I am not “looking for it to happen”;

3) I am not a fan of going out to the clubs/bars/meat-markets;

4)   I am not going to join online dating sites (no offense to those who do).

This town is an incredibly difficult place to meet people worth a shit.  I know, I know, that’s a very bold and blatant statement, but I’m not alone in that school of thought.

Oh, to go back to the days when it was as carefree as passing a note to the cutie across the playground: “Do you like me? Check yes or no”.  Simple, drama-free. 

Current Tunes:        Crazy by Patsy Cline

Current Click:          True Blood

Current Read:         The Big Nowhere by James Ellroy

Current Craving:      Caesar Salad

Home Again...

I have returned home from another relaxing weekend in LA: got to see a friend I don't get a chance to very often, updated the Scroungy Pizza blog with our new fun project, spent some quality time becoming one with the sun and sand that is Venice Beach (ok...mostly the sun - OUCH!), discovered some awesome little hole-in-the-wall restaurants off the beaten path, oh yeah...and caught up on some much needed (and missed) sleep.


I also had a lot of time to crawl into my head and figure some shit out...not in the "old" Jaime way, folks! Gone are the days where I create destructive scenarios in my brain that have nothing to do with reality...I promise that's not as crazy as it sounds! I'm done building and burning the bridge before the clouds even form to produce the rains to cause the floods! For those of you who know me, you understand that this is a HUGE step forward. But anyway, over the last month or so I have come to terms with a number of things in my life and have made the decision to seal up the things I cannot control and toss them away. Every day I look at the tattoo on my wrist and remind myself that I do not need to carry any unhealthy burdens. I have rid my life of toxic people and surround myself with those that will be there for me through thick and thin, as I will for them. There is no place in my world for asshattery or fair weather friends. Life is too short! *stepping down off soap box*


Lots of plans and goals set for my month of June, a couple are a little far fetched but for the most part they are  very attainable. One of my nearest and dearest has started up a promotions company in Vegas and will need my love and support (more than the usual) as he gets Monkeyfish Entertainment up and running...and I thought I was just helping him out with his logo *damn*  (Mad love Biff!) 


Before I know it June will be over and done with...where is this year going? Oh well... *holding on tight for the wild ride*

Current Click:          Californication, Season 4

Current Read:          Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins

Current Craving:     Vanilla Ice Cream

CANNONBALL!!!

I have to say that I love busy days at work.  As much as it tends to drive me bat-shit crazy with both my desk and cell phones ringing off the hook, my email chiming in new messages, and paper frantically flying around my office, it's kinda relaxing to not give my brain a chance to wander off into one of it's dark corners.  And I think I have one of the most fantastic jobs EVER!  Who else can say that they've played an active role in 7 different projects in 4 different states AND 2 different countries....all in ONE DAY?


Then I wonder why I go home and get nothing accomplished... I'm done wore out!  But I have given myself to the end of this week (not including the weekend) to get caught up on all of my outstanding projects around the house.  Its really not unachievable.  I just need to go home and not sit down:  not on the couch, not at the desk, not on the bed, not in the tub.  I will not eat them Sam I am, I will not eat green eggs and ham!  Tonight I shall finish the housework, tomorrow and Thursday will be nights of writing.  No more excuses!  Only achieving the goals I set forth.  Running for the ribbon at the end of the race.  It's time I prove to myself that I can do whatever I set my mind to.  I'm reminded of lyrics to one of my new favorite songs (Sunshine by Barley Legal):  "Take a leap of faith, hop in to the deep end, we may be broken but we are alive, come on get in, the water feels just fine."  Yes, Mr. Carver, yes it does!


In another week, I will be venturing into even more unchartered waters... the vast ocean that is the world of novel writing.  A dear friend and I will be starting our first co-written mystery book that, with lots of blood, sweat, tears and, oh yeah, LUCK will be one of a series.  As I'm sure you understand, I'm not going to go into any details but I will say this:  it'll be as wild, crazy and quirky as we are!  To kick this project off right, the two of us will be traveling to LA for a little...uh...inspiration?  Yeah, inspiration!  So we hit the beach, a bar or two, mingle with the locals while we are at it... never hurt anyone, right?


We'll also be starting to pay a little more attention to our joint blog ScroungyPizza (http://scroungypizza.blogspot.com/) where we will making a really exciting new announcement VERY shortly!  Please check it out!






Current Read:  Me, Myself and Why by MaryJanice Davidson
Current Click:  Tonight's new episode of NCIS